Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
