This is not my ceiling
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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