i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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