Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
