she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize