Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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