i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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