I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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