i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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