saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize