Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize