make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
