I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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