Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
