im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
