Cold hands, warm shart.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
