I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
