I wish I could teleport
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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