I'm drive I can fine osifer
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
