I wish my penis had an off switch
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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