Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
