Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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