Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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