i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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