Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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