I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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