I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
