i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Randomize
