I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
