The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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