What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Damn victory sex feels great
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
