You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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