She went from zero to smokin in five shots
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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