Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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