Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
