Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize