I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
