just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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