the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize