i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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