I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
