Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
