Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
