If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
