I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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