I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
