I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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