I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
