i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It's blow job season.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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