i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
