just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize