Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
