Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
