I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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