he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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