I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
