Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize