My nipple is on Facebook.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
